Ultimate Gift Guide

After Christmas, it’s Valentine’s day. Then Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, there’s also Birthday’s & Anniversaries. That’s a lot of gift giving. Gift guides are thoughtful gift ideas for what to buy your significant other. Some are decent, but most of them suck. After researching some gift suggestions, I’ve come up with the Ultimate List of what NOT to buy me. Not for Valentine’s day. Not for my birthday. Never.

Scented Candle

This is the perfect gift for a female you don’t care about. Give this to your co-worker. Do not give it to me. If I tried lighting a scented candle in my house, I guarantee you the house will burn down within twenty minutes. Little boys and lit candles don’t go together. As soon as they see flames they feel the need to run and touch it. (Also, why the fireplace gets no love). Of course, I could place the candle somewhere high up on a counter where they can’t reach. But soon enough there will be a plastic ball, a foam ball, a toddler sized Darth Vader stuffed toy or a light-saber. There will be something and it will be airborne and knock that candle over. And we will be homeless.

Box of Herbal Teas

Who thought of this? Who would ever want herbal tea for a present? That’s groceries. Placing tea bags in a wooden box does not make it a gift. Ain’t nobody got time to sit back with a cup of herbal tea. Give me coffee or GTFO.

A Cashmere Scarf

Sounds like a luxurious little gift but I would not be able to keep the cashmere separated from the lollipops and baby boogers that are the constants in my life right now. Let’s revisit this in twenty years.

Gift Card

Giving a gift card is like saying “Hey I don’t know you that well but I’m too lazy to learn more, so here’s a gift card to a random store. I don’t really care if you end up getting your gift or not”. If anything, just hand me some cash and drop me off in front of the store. Or, forget the cash and hand me all the gift cards I’ve collected over the years and drop me off at the mall for a few days.

Flowers

I don’t mind flowers. They’re pretty and smell nice. But only if you present them to me trimmed and in a vase full of water with the sachet of flower food already dissolved in. And then you throw them out a week later and clean out that gunky vase. Only then.

Now here is what I do want.

Chocolate. And Silence.

Place a box of chocolates in front of me. It can be a chocolate bar you got from the check out lane – I don’t discriminate. Then back away slowly. Grab the kids and leave me alone for a long time.

Best. Gift. Ever.