Listen to what we’re not saying.

Men. I know there aren’t many of you that read this blog but if you are a man and you are here this consider yourself in the right place at the right time because I am going to impart some profound wisdom on you that will help you deal with the women in your life.

Ready Men? Pay attention.

Read. Between. The. Lines.

That’s it. Sounds simple but it’s not. Actually, it is simple.

If your wife (or girlfriend or significant other – I don’t care about your labels) says,

“Lets order in some food tonight”

What she is really saying is. “I’m hungry. I worked ten hours today. The kids have depleted what little energy I had left. There is nothing to eat. I’m so tired the last thing I want to do is cook dinner. I’m two minutes away from being Hangry. Order me some food.

What you should say immediately is,

“That’s a great idea! What are you in the mood for tonight? Here let me order it for you”

What you should not say is “Nah, I don’t really want to order in tonight.”

When she insists and says “Are you sure? You didn’t eat much earlier and we could get something healthy”

What she really means is “I’m going to give you a second chance to get this right because I love you. I know you ate lunch and you didn’t notice that I didn’t eat anything all day. I would have been nice for you to have offered me some food after I got off work but I’m going to let that slide because again, I love you so let’s try this again. I’m hungry. I’m trying to be as nice as I can. Get me some food.”

Do not. I repeat.DO NOT. say. “Nah I told you I’m not that hungry. I don’t want to order in again.”

Now it is too late.

When you hear her angrily chopping onions in the kitchen like she’s mad at the whole world and your keen observation skills are telling you something ain’t right. It is TOO late.

Do not go in there and suggest that you’ve changed your mind and maybe it IS a good idea to order some food. Don’t talk to her. Don’t touch her. It is too late.

You have failed.

She’s committed to cooking up an angry dinner so you are going to have to eat all of her wrath.  She’s mad you don’t love her enough to anticipate her needs. She’s mad that you only think of yourself when all she does is think of you and how to make your life easier and more comfortable.  Multiply this wrath by the number of years you have been together. The quieter she is – the more afraid you should be.

There are two things you can do now.

  1. Ignore her. Lay low. She’ll calm down eventually. When you think she’s calm start talking about your day as if nothing ever happened.
  2.  Wash the dishes, order her some dessert and don’t expect her to share. <— DO THIS ONE.

Now men, if you decide to go for option #1, as so many of you do – Just get out. Go now. She’s already wondering what she ever saw in your dumb ass.  Let’s not waste the next twenty years of both your lives while your dumb ass gets her angrier and angrier and you keep thinking she’s the crazy one.

If you are insightful enough to realize that you have screwed up and you do the dishes (including the big pots and pans) and you order her dessert and you tell her she’s beautiful and that you like her curves and please not to restrain herself from eating the entire thing. Then, there may be some hope left for you.

Just remember the next time you hear “Do you want to order in some food tonight?”

She is not asking you a question. She is not asking if you are hungry. She is not planning on cooking a damn thing. She is telling you. I. want. to. order. in. some food tonight.

So simple.

You may have already guessed it.  Rambo opted for Option #1 tonight.

Pray for him.

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