Let’s Talk about Sex Baby

Hey Board of Education! Let’s talk high school Sex Education classes. No need to show videos of the human reproductive system or use scare tactics about sexually transmitted diseases. Just have a camera crew follow me around for a day. I assure you, teenagers will be so turned off, no one will have sex ever.

Let’s take today for instance. A camera crew would have captured me being jolted awake to the howling screams of a preschooler at 6 a.m. Why? Oh, because he woke up and that’s what he does EVERY SINGLE MORNING. I can’t blame him for not being a morning person, though – I think he got that gene from me.

The camera would then zoom in on the clingy toddler with a 103°F fever. The students would be able to see how gracefully I held down his limbs and held his head in place with one hand while injecting a syringe full of Ibuprofen into his mouth with the other. They could have seen him spit it out all over his face, his clothes, and the pillow while screaming his lungs out. The whole process would be repeated again an hour later with antibiotics.

Then, of course, follows the leaky diarrhea diaper (thanks, antibiotics!). Diarrhea all over the bed sheets, his clothes, and my clothes.

Cut to me changing the leaky diarrhea diaper and toddler grabbing his penis the moment it springs free, smearing diarrhea all over his hands. The camera would zoom in on chubby toddler legs kicking my boobs as I try to fold up diaper with one hand while simultaneously trying to  grab his diarrhea hands before he touches his face.

At this point, I will look straight into the camera and chant my mantra “FML. FML. FML”

Chanting is interrupted by preschooler asking his 427th question about garbage trucks and how they work. But How? But Why? Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Cut to the time. Is it already 10 a.m? Insert a scene of sick, cranky, toddler having a meltdown because he needs a nap and me looking into an empty linen closet because the laundry has not been done and there are no sheets to put on the bed.

The students would then witness me attempting to negotiate with the Preschooler when he yells out “I’m hungry! Can we get McDonald’s?” Is it noon already? Show scene of preschooler refusing to eat anything I give him because it is NOT McDonald’s.

Pissed off preschooler now pulls out his PlayDoh!  Cut to little PlayDoh crumbs all over kitchen table and floor. Show toddler making a run for the pieces of PlayDoh and throwing a tantrum on the floor because I swept up the pieces before he could shove them into his mouth.

Cut back to the time. 2 p.m and me still in my pajamas frantically texting Rambo asking him when he’s coming home.

The camera would do a slow fade out showing the chaotic mess that is my home. The glazed over look on my face as one crying kid pulls on my leg and the other crying kid reaches out for my boobs. Big block letters would scroll across the screen reading

THIS IS YOUR LIFE AFTER SEX.

Teen pregnancy rates would plummet. Pretty effective if I do say so myself.