Work Archives - Coffee and Sweats

I got my first paycheck in five years.

Five. Years.

After my first day at work, I came home in a great mood.

How was it? Rambo asked

It was great, I replied. I peed like, 4 times and no one cried. And they had coffee. Free coffee! I got a badge thing that I beep against the keypad and it unlocks the door. I felt like an agent working at the Men in Black headquarters.

Rambo shook his head and stopped listening but I was on a roll. I had conversations with adults and we didn’t have to sprint off mid sentence to go catch a child. I ate lunch that didn’t require half an hour of clean up afterward.

Oh, and I got to sit in traffic for 45 minutes on the way there AND on the way back. That’s an hour and a half of just me and 90’s R&B. I sang my heart out. What I didn’t tell him was that the best part of my day was when I got home and the kids were so happy to see me. I felt freakin’ appreciated.

Going back to work after being a SAHM CoffeeandSweats.com

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No regrets. I’m loving this decision to go back to work.

The next morning I woke up before the sun and got dressed while everyone slept. No one grabbed my makeup brushes to sweep the bathroom floor with. No one ran off with pencil liners and lipsticks stolen off the bathroom counter to decorate his own face with. I didn’t have to chase down a pint-sized Maui warrior with a cotton ball soaked in eye makeup remover. It was a quiet and peaceful morning. I drank an entire cup of coffee while it was still hot.

Over the next couple of weeks, my enthusiasm for work waned a little.

It sucks to wake up in the dark. Especially, when the babies have snuck into your bed at night and are all warm and snuggled into you. I left my heart at home every time I left for work. I also worried about the kids all day long. I called to check in with my mom way more than I needed to. I furiously texted when I remembered something.

His stuffed turtle is under his bed – he will ask for it at nap time.

Make sure they drink a lot of water.

You’re going to Toy’s R Us?! Why?!

Then the people around me slowly started to annoy me. There are a lot of different personalities at work and unfortunately, no one gets put in time out. When people get cranky at work you can’t announce that it’s nap time and shut things down for two hours.

If you don’t know who the annoying person is at work – it’s you.

Sitting in traffic stopped being fun because I was eager to see my babies at the end of each day. I missed their softness and the scent of them. I missed their wild animated stories and always being made the ‘monster’ that they would have to attack.

The kids missed me too. Tantrums after dinner became the norm because they weren’t used to spending a little over an hour with me before it was bedtime.

It all hit me on Earth day. There was a picnic at my son’s preschool, that I wouldn’t be able to attend. I had been there for Easter egg hunts, birthday celebrations, Thanksgiving feasts, and Christmas parties as well as presentation nights. I had been snapping pictures of every single event and milestone of his childhood.

How could I miss this?

Rambo offered to take a long lunch and attend the picnic in my place. I was relieved that my son would still have someone there but a little sad that it wasn’t me.

I was beginning to understand the sacrifices working mom’s make. I know this was small but it was a first. What I wanted was the best of both worlds. Around, midday Rambo texted me a picture of our son smiling holding a sandwich in his hand. He looked so happy.

Tears welled up in my eyes.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I was heartbroken that I missed the picnic. I understand that it wasn’t about the picnic. What I really missed was spending time with my little boy who was growing up way too fast. It later occurred to me that the next event I would miss was Muffins with Mom’s the Friday before Mother’s day. I held it together long enough to get home, then I bawled my eyes out.

There’s been a whole lot of missing going on these last four weeks. Me missing the kids. The kids missing me. Rambo missing dinner because there isn’t any. I’m having a tough time adjusting to this new way of life. I know the boys will be fine. Kids are amazingly resilient and adaptable like that.

But hey, I got paid for the first time in five years!

And I’m probably going to spend it all at Toys R’ Us.

I hate awkward pauses. Especially ones where a table full of people are looking at me waiting for an answer and I got nothing.

So awkward.

Still nothing.

Thanksgiving break brings old friends around. Everyone is home for the holiday so it’s a great time to meet and catch up. Sitting at a bar we used to frequent often, I was having a great time with some of my old college friends and people I hung out with before I got married. I admit that after moving out of state right after the wedding, I hadn’t done a good job of keeping in touch with friends. So this was a fun night for me, several of these faces I hadn’t seen in years.

Some of my friends had new jobs or had recently become homeowners. Some of us were single, recently engaged or newlyweds. But only one of us had kids, though.

That would be me.

Maybe I should have prepared a little so I wouldn’t be so caught off guard. I was just excited to have a few hours to myself carrying a cute little purse instead of a diaper bag.

So it was inevitable that at some point, someone would turn to me and ask,

“So what’s new with you?”

The truth was there was nothing new with me. One of the worst things about seeing old friends is having absolutely nothing new to tell them.

I wanted to say that I’m a stay at home mom. I wear the same pair of jeans every timeI leave the house. I wear my hair in a big messy bun because I do not have the time or energy to blow dry it.

Work? No, I’m not working right now. Well, I’m technically working all the damn time but I don’t think they would understand what I meant by that.

Travel? It’s hard enough to go down the street to the grocery store with two young kids, you think I’m about to do some international flight with them? Do you have any idea how much STUFF these kids need? No Caribbean vacations coming up for me anytime soon.

“Oh, you know..nothing new.”

That was my lame answer. Nothing new. Nothing exciting. The fact that my toddler tells me he needs his diaper changed the moment he poops instead of sitting on it and smooshing it in, is the best thing that’s happened to me lately. He is so ready for potty training! That’s exciting, right?

And suddenly I longed for my Mom friends. I had joined a Mom’s group when I moved. I had no friends and I found a group of women who had babies born the same year my son was. Mom friends sympathize with every detail of your labor and the c-section you didn’t really want. They get how tired you are. They don’t judge your unwashed, frizzy hair. Mom friends can talk at length about leaky boobs and sleep regression.

Thankful for Mom Friends

I opted to drive home instead of moving on to the next bar and I thought about how much I had changed since the last time I was here. I had essentially traded in my cocktails for coffee and my designer jeans for sweatpants. I was the same person but so much more blessed than I ever was before.

I was thankful for the child-free friends who still make an effort to keep in touch with me. And now, I was thankful for the awesome women who also have no clue what they’re doing, as they go through this motherhood journey with me. It’s difficult not to compare myself to my old friends, though. I’ve traded in promotions for potty training and put my career on pause. It was the career pause that I had the most difficulty with. So much of our self-identity is measured by job titles, promotions, and raises. There was a tangible result of all the hard work you put in.

I get home past the kid’s bedtime and look at them snuggled in bed. I was so thankful for the two babies that changed me more than I could have ever imagined. And without any hesitation I realized.

Some pauses are not awkward at all.

Going back to work after 5 years

Thankful For Mom Friends