Men. I know there aren’t many of you that read this blog but if you are a man and you are here this consider yourself in the right place at the right time because I am going to impart some profound wisdom on you that will help you deal with the women in your life.

Ready Men? Pay attention.

Read. Between. The. Lines.

That’s it. Sounds simple but it’s not. Actually, it is simple.

If your wife (or girlfriend or significant other – I don’t care about your labels) says,

“Lets order in some food tonight”

What she is really saying is. “I’m hungry. I worked ten hours today. The kids have depleted what little energy I had left. There is nothing to eat. I’m so tired the last thing I want to do is cook dinner. I’m two minutes away from being Hangry. Order me some food.“

What you should say immediately is,

“That’s a great idea! What are you in the mood for tonight? Here let me order it for you”

What you should not say is “Nah, I don’t really want to order in tonight.”

When she insists and says “Are you sure? You didn’t eat much earlier and we could get something healthy”

What she really means is “I’m going to give you a second chance to get this right because I love you. I know you ate lunch and you didn’t notice that I didn’t eat anything all day. I would have been nice for you to have offered me some food after I got off work but I’m going to let that slide because again, I love you so let’s try this again. I’m hungry. I’m trying to be as nice as I can. Get me some food.”

Do not. I repeat.DO NOT. say. “Nah I told you I’m not that hungry. I don’t want to order in again.”

Now it is too late.

When you hear her angrily chopping onions in the kitchen like she’s mad at the whole world and your keen observation skills are telling you something ain’t right. It is TOO late.

Do not go in there and suggest that you’ve changed your mind and maybe it IS a good idea to order some food. Don’t talk to her. Don’t touch her. It is too late.

You have failed.

She’s committed to cooking up an angry dinner so you are going to have to eat all of her wrath.  She’s mad you don’t love her enough to anticipate her needs. She’s mad that you only think of yourself when all she does is think of you and how to make your life easier and more comfortable.  Multiply this wrath by the number of years you have been together. The quieter she is – the more afraid you should be.

There are two things you can do now.

1. Ignore her. Lay low. She’ll calm down eventually. When you think she’s calm start talking about your day as if nothing ever happened.
2.  Wash the dishes, order her some dessert and don’t expect her to share. <— DO THIS ONE.

Now men, if you decide to go for option #1, as so many of you do – Just get out. Go now. She’s already wondering what she ever saw in your dumb ass.  Let’s not waste the next twenty years of both your lives while your dumb ass gets her angrier and angrier and you keep thinking she’s the crazy one.

If you are insightful enough to realize that you have screwed up and you do the dishes (including the big pots and pans) and you order her dessert and you tell her she’s beautiful and that you like her curves and please not to restrain herself from eating the entire thing. Then, there may be some hope left for you.

Just remember the next time you hear “Do you want to order in some food tonight?”

She is not asking you a question. She is not asking if you are hungry. She is not planning on cooking a damn thing. She is telling you. I. want. to. order. in. some food tonight.

So simple.

You may have already guessed it.  Rambo opted for Option #1 tonight.

Pray for him.

I cuddle my babies as often as they will let me. Which lately has been a lot. They’re young but intuitive enough to be kind to a sad mother. I scoop them up and relish their warmth, inhale their scent. I hold them close enough to feel their little hearts beating.

Forty nights ago I lay my head on my sister’s chest and begged God to let me hear a heartbeat.  I wept against the silence. She was beautiful even in death.

I now know what it means, to become undone. But there were forms to sign. Decisions to be made. A hysterical mother to comfort and a father who had aged ten years in the blink of an eye.

Twelve hours later I was washing her body. Tears streaming down my face the entire time. I recited prayers and told her not to be scared like she could hear me.

I know she could hear me.

In the car, the little one asked for her over and over again. He saw every relative but not his favorite.
Where is Khalamoni?
Where is Khalamoni?
Where. Is. KHALAMONI!?

The growing urgency of his innocent voice ripped me open.  She wasn’t here. This wasn’t happening. I was spiritually spent and wanted so much to fall asleep and wake up to everything being perfect again.

When they lowered her into the Earth my knees buckled and I forgot who I was.

How life changes in 24 hours.

********************

My parents.

I want to wrap them in bubble wrap and guard them against the world. They are in pieces. I can’t fathom their pain, nor do I ever want to. They don’t look like themselves anymore.  I wrap them in love and treat them kindly.

Is Khalamoni going to be ok? The older one worries about her. He feels her absence and gives me random hugs and kisses. I miss her. I wish I could see her again, he tells me. We read books about heaven together.

Is Khalamoni still dead? The younger one is still waiting for her to come back.

My parents and my children have found solace in each other. I bring them together as often as I can because although they had a special bond before, it’s different now. Before it was joy, now it’s comfort. With each hug, my children are piecing my parents back together.

********************

I carefully walk along the edge of the crater in my heart. I get through an hour. And then the day. 

Some days I stumble and fall apart right into its depths. The Earth still turns. My parents and children have one another.

And I have only stillness.

Disclosure – I received complimentary tickets to facilitate this review. All opinions expressed are my own. 

I’ve been in this suburban bubble for quite some time now. My minivan doesn’t venture too far past the preschool pickup line,  the pediatrician, the grocery store or my mom’s house. So when I got the chance to check out the 29th Annual Dallas Observer’s Music Awards Showcase I jumped on it. Fifty bands across nine stages all on one night.  I was going to catch up on the last ten years of not going out all at once!

I drove down (yes in my minivan) to Deep Ellum – the entertainment district in Dallas and the place was so alive. I forgot people go out after 9 pm.  I also forgot about how much it sucks to find parking and after driving around in crawling traffic, I decided to pull into a parking lot which, I could clearly see was completely full. I drove around and suddenly a woman appeared in front of my car and walked towards the driver side. I lowered the window and she handed me a ticket and said ‘Here I’m paid up until 11:30″ then turned around and disappeared into her car.

I still hadn’t registered that I was holding a parking permit until she had pulled out of her parking spot.  I slowly realized that I was about to park the car right across the street from the bar and it was completely paid for. This night was meant to be!

I quickly parked and walked a whole two minutes to the Green Room which was one of the nine locations with a schedule of bands from the Showcase. Green Room had an open deck stage upstairs with a street view, perfect for a crisp December night in Dallas. I arrived just as the Straw Hat Society had started playing.  Which was perfect timing because I was hoping to catch a country band (oh you didn’t know I’m into country music? ) They were so good! They had people dancing and twirling around. Their songs were catchy and had the crowd singing along and…who doesn’t love an upright bass?

After the Straw Hat Society finished their set,  a whole group of people went onto the stage. What I especially loved about this next band was that they had a trumpet, saxophone, electric guitar and bongos! I love music and the way these sounds all created a mix of jazzy soulful funk was beautiful, fun and entertaining.

The crowd didn’t miss a beat switching from country to soul. They continued to dance and sing along.  Quentin Moore was interactive, getting off the stage and performing within the audience. The band sang to us, taught us the words then sang with us.  I ducked out before the next band came on because I knew the kids would be up at 6 am regardless of what time I got home.  I could have swayed with the music until they threw me out but I left feeling energized.  I love how music brings together the most random mix of people. It makes people put aside differences and enjoy life.

I’m grateful for the Dallas Observer for hosting such a great event and giving me a  reason to get out. I’m already making plans for next year’s Dallas Observer Music Awards Showcase.

Disclosure: I received a complimentary trial to facilitate my review. All opinions expressed are my own. 

Remember that time I signed up for CrossFit?   Or the  5 am Bootcamp?   Well, I’m going through another one of my “I must get hot right now” fitness spurts. So when I got the opportunity to try out a fitness app I was all about it.

I like apps. What I don’t like is talking to people, especially sweaty people. Also, I have serious commitment issues so signing up for a yoga class every Monday and Wednesday at 10 will give me all kinds of anxiety.  So I have apps that log my calories, that count my steps, and chart my weight.

The Apptiv app doesn’t do any of that. It’s more like experiencing an instructor-led workout whenever you want.  You can choose a  class by workout type, difficulty,  or my favorite – duration.   If you travel a lot or are a busy mom (hi) and don’t know when you will have time to fit in a  workout this app is great. I also really loved that the workouts are all set to a playlist just like a class you would take at a gym. You can filter a class by music genre too (even hits from the 90’s and Reggae!).

7 Minute Quick Hits are my fave

The other night I decided at 11 pm that I wanted to do a quick ab workout. I found a Beginner Core workout that was 9 minutes and 30 seconds. I like that I can have a personal trainer in my living room at night encouraging me to hold that plank for a few more seconds. Granted, he was in my earbuds and not physically in my living room but he still got me to break a sweat in less than ten. I could also download a workout to my phone so I don’t have to burn through my data plan if I choose to take the workout outside. There are plenty of outdoor running classes or training for marathon classes where this would come in handy.  There are so many classes to choose from you can never get bored. There is even a Maternity program for working out during every trimester of your pregnancy. Already popped out baby? There are stroller workouts. Aaptiv where were you three years ago?! I’m glad all the expecting mama’s now,  get to take advantage though.

There were a few things that I wasn’t a fan of. These classes are pure audio. So if you are unfamiliar with Downward Facing Dog then there is no video to show you how to do it. The audio-only aspect took me a little while to get used to, especially since I’m very visual and it helps to see someone demonstrating the move.

Also, there is a subscription.  Aaptiv has monthly and yearly subscriptions or even a lifetime membership for those of you who are not commitment-phobes.  You can find more information here.

Or, how about a free two-week trial? Visit here and enter the code AAPTIV2WEEKS. Then download the app and sign in. Make sure you come back and let me know what you think!