I cuddle my babies as often as they will let me. Which lately has been a lot. They’re young but intuitive enough to be kind to a sad mother. I scoop them up and relish their warmth, inhale their scent. I hold them close enough to feel their little hearts beating.

Forty nights ago I lay my head on my sister’s chest and begged God to let me hear a heartbeat.  I wept against the silence. She was beautiful even in death.

I now know what it means, to become undone. But there were forms to sign. Decisions to be made. A hysterical mother to comfort and a father who had aged ten years in the blink of an eye.

Twelve hours later I was washing her body. Tears streaming down my face the entire time. I recited prayers and told her not to be scared like she could hear me.

I know she could hear me.

In the car, the little one asked for her over and over again. He saw every relative but not his favorite.
Where is Khalamoni?
Where is Khalamoni?
Where. Is. KHALAMONI!?

The growing urgency of his innocent voice ripped me open.  She wasn’t here. This wasn’t happening. I was spiritually spent and wanted so much to fall asleep and wake up to everything being perfect again.

When they lowered her into the Earth my knees buckled and I forgot who I was.

How life changes in 24 hours.

********************

My parents.

I want to wrap them in bubble wrap and guard them against the world. They are in pieces. I can’t fathom their pain, nor do I ever want to. They don’t look like themselves anymore.  I wrap them in love and treat them kindly.

Is Khalamoni going to be ok? The older one worries about her. He feels her absence and gives me random hugs and kisses. I miss her. I wish I could see her again, he tells me. We read books about heaven together.

Is Khalamoni still dead? The younger one is still waiting for her to come back.

My parents and my children have found solace in each other. I bring them together as often as I can because although they had a special bond before, it’s different now. Before it was joy, now it’s comfort. With each hug, my children are piecing my parents back together.

********************

I carefully walk along the edge of the crater in my heart. I get through an hour. And then the day. 

Some days I stumble and fall apart right into its depths. The Earth still turns. My parents and children have one another.

And I have only stillness.

Disclosure – I received complimentary tickets to facilitate this review. All opinions expressed are my own. 

I’ve been in this suburban bubble for quite some time now. My minivan doesn’t venture too far past the preschool pickup line,  the pediatrician, the grocery store or my mom’s house. So when I got the chance to check out the 29th Annual Dallas Observer’s Music Awards Showcase I jumped on it. Fifty bands across nine stages all on one night.  I was going to catch up on the last ten years of not going out all at once!

I drove down (yes in my minivan) to Deep Ellum – the entertainment district in Dallas and the place was so alive. I forgot people go out after 9 pm.  I also forgot about how much it sucks to find parking and after driving around in crawling traffic, I decided to pull into a parking lot which, I could clearly see was completely full. I drove around and suddenly a woman appeared in front of my car and walked towards the driver side. I lowered the window and she handed me a ticket and said ‘Here I’m paid up until 11:30″ then turned around and disappeared into her car.

I still hadn’t registered that I was holding a parking permit until she had pulled out of her parking spot.  I slowly realized that I was about to park the car right across the street from the bar and it was completely paid for. This night was meant to be!

I quickly parked and walked a whole two minutes to the Green Room which was one of the nine locations with a schedule of bands from the Showcase. Green Room had an open deck stage upstairs with a street view, perfect for a crisp December night in Dallas. I arrived just as the Straw Hat Society had started playing.  Which was perfect timing because I was hoping to catch a country band (oh you didn’t know I’m into country music? ) They were so good! They had people dancing and twirling around. Their songs were catchy and had the crowd singing along and…who doesn’t love an upright bass?

After the Straw Hat Society finished their set,  a whole group of people went onto the stage. What I especially loved about this next band was that they had a trumpet, saxophone, electric guitar and bongos! I love music and the way these sounds all created a mix of jazzy soulful funk was beautiful, fun and entertaining.

The crowd didn’t miss a beat switching from country to soul. They continued to dance and sing along.  Quentin Moore was interactive, getting off the stage and performing within the audience. The band sang to us, taught us the words then sang with us.  I ducked out before the next band came on because I knew the kids would be up at 6 am regardless of what time I got home.  I could have swayed with the music until they threw me out but I left feeling energized.  I love how music brings together the most random mix of people. It makes people put aside differences and enjoy life.

I’m grateful for the Dallas Observer for hosting such a great event and giving me a  reason to get out. I’m already making plans for next year’s Dallas Observer Music Awards Showcase.

 

Disclosure: I received a complimentary trial to facilitate my review. All opinions expressed are my own. 

Remember that time I signed up for CrossFit?   Or the  5 am Bootcamp?   Well, I’m going through another one of my “I must get hot right now” fitness spurts. So when I got the opportunity to try out a fitness app I was all about it.

I like apps. What I don’t like is talking to people, especially sweaty people. Also, I have serious commitment issues so signing up for a yoga class every Monday and Wednesday at 10 will give me all kinds of anxiety.  So I have apps that log my calories, that count my steps, and chart my weight.

The Apptiv app doesn’t do any of that. It’s more like experiencing an instructor-led workout whenever you want.  You can choose a  class by workout type, difficulty,  or my favorite – duration.   If you travel a lot or are a busy mom (hi) and don’t know when you will have time to fit in a  workout this app is great. I also really loved that the workouts are all set to a playlist just like a class you would take at a gym. You can filter a class by music genre too (even hits from the 90’s and Reggae!).

The other night I decided at 11 pm that I wanted to do a quick ab workout. I found a Beginner Core workout that was 9 minutes and 30 seconds. I like that I can have a personal trainer in my living room at night encouraging me to hold that plank for a few more seconds. Granted, he was in my earbuds and not physically in my living room but he still got me to break a sweat in less than ten. I could also download a workout to my phone so I don’t have to burn through my data plan if I choose to take the workout outside. There are plenty of outdoor running classes or training for marathon classes where this would come in handy.  There are so many classes to choose from you can never get bored. There is even a Maternity program for working out during every trimester of your pregnancy. Already popped out baby? There are stroller workouts. Aaptiv where were you three years ago?! I’m glad all the expecting mama’s now,  get to take advantage though.

There were a few things that I wasn’t a fan of. These classes are pure audio. So if you are unfamiliar with Downward Facing Dog then there is no video to show you how to do it. The audio-only aspect took me a little while to get used to, especially since I’m very visual and it helps to see someone demonstrating the move.

Also, there is a subscription.  Aaptiv has monthly and yearly subscriptions or even a lifetime membership for those of you who are not commitment-phobes.  You can find more information here.

Or, how about a free two-week trial? Visit here and enter the code AAPTIV2WEEKS. Then download the app and sign in. Make sure you come back and let me know what you think!

I recently scored some last minute tickets to the Texas Rangers baseball game courtesy of my Mom. She even offered to babysit while we went to the game.  A date night?!
“I actually have four tickets,” She said, “Why don’t you take all four of them and invite some friends to go with you?”

Wait, a double date night?!

These tickets were for a weeknight and we didn’t have much time to find some friends to invite. This is where you find out how sad my social life really is.

I texted everyone in my ‘recently called’ list on my phone. One by one all of my friends declined the invitation. We could not find anyone to go with.

“So who are we going to the game with?” asked Rambo.

I don’t think he really cared who was coming with us. Unlike me, he actually knew a thing or two about baseball and was just excited to be going.

“We have no friends! No one can hang out with us even when we bribe them with free tickets. We suck.”

This is the part where I sank into a pity party. I could be a better friend. I’m a hermit and nine times out of ten I’m relieved when plans get canceled because I’m too exhausted to change out of my pajamas anyway. I give myself like a 30% in the mom department, about a 15% in the housework department and I have zero friends. I am failing in life.

“You know all of our friends have young kids just like us. They probably can’t find a sitter on a weeknight last minute,” said Rambo. This is why I married him. He pulls me out of my self-induced melodrama before I lose myself in it.

Yes. He was right.  I furiously began scrolling through my contact list for friends without kids. I have friends without kids! I see them never and get around to texting them maybe once every two years but I do have them.

About an hour later I threw my phone to the other side of the couch.

“What happened?” he asked.

“Apparently people without kids have careers. And they also travel a lot”

So, we ended up going to the game by ourselves.

My Mom hooked us UP! We had seats right behind the dugout.

Captain,  the mascot sat down right in front of us while he was resting between his hilarious dancing performances.

I have to confess about the food. I ate a hot dog, a giant soft pretzel and a gallon of soda.  I felt a little guilty after eating all that because I imagined my doctor’s face when I tell her that I ate everything I’m allergic to within one inning.  Then I figured I was already in too deep so I went out and found this bucket of potato chips smothered in fake cheese sauce, sour cream and salsa. I’m just not going to tell her.

And these two little seats sat empty throughout the game. They are symbolic of all the parents who can’t remember the last time they went out on a date, let alone out for a night with friends. I get it. Babysitters are hard to find, hard to afford and it’s hard to leave our babies at home and not miss them. I didn’t always live close to my parents and I know the feeling. Nearly all of my friends said they would love to come if they could.  One day, if we plan several months in advance, we will all get together. Also, I want you guys to appreciate how difficult it was for me to take this picture without the guy next to me thinking I was trying to take a shot of his crotch.

So although we didn’t get to go on a double date, we did get to go out on a date. And it was great 🙂

When Rambo looks me up and down and says,

“I’ll give you a workout”

He is the only husband that means he will actually hand over a customized CrossFit exercise plan for me to do at the gym tomorrow.
Then he will describe every move and the correct form to use, followed by a detailed explanation of what he did at the gym that day and then I will fall asleep from boredom.

Nothing to get excited about. Just my husband offering me a workout. Literally.

Also, he likes to wake up while it’s dark and cold to go for a run.

Like….outside.

And then when he returns from his run all hyped up on endorphins he talks to me. The only problem is that I’m still asleep but, like an extrovert with no one else to talk to it doesn’t bother him that my eyes are closed and I’m not participating in the conversation at all.

When I do open my eyes to give him the STFU glare he remembers that trying to talk to me before midday is never a good idea. Especially before my caffeine fix.

I pass back out while he ushers the kids into the kitchen and feeds them breakfast. I wake up an hour later to a hot cup of super sweet coffee on my bedside table. I gulp it down as I reach for my phone wondering what time it is.

The kids finally throw the door open and come bounding in with giggles and jump all over me. The tickle attacks begin and I love my life. Yes, there are moments of exhaustion, sleepless nights and being constantly needed. I’m in sensory overload with too much noise and touch and worry. I’m also surrounded by unconditional love packaged in two energetic little boys.

This season of my life is definitely my favorite.

I am also grateful for this man who understands that sometimes leaving me to sleep in and making me a cup of coffee is the most romantic gesture there ever was. My heart could just burst with love. This lasts a good five seconds until he asks me,

“So you going to workout today?”